Deep Fried Couch Potatoes

Shaun left ESPN on the other night, and since this channel serves as fantastic white noise for me, I left it on while I went about my business. I don't hate sports, but ESPN is overkill for me, so I really pay closest attention to the commercials, which are usually very funny. Well, a commercial for a new Madden video game came on, and it caught my attention because I was just sure it would be hilarious. There was a group of gangly teenage boys competing against a group of sluggish adult men to attain whatever the prize is for winning a virtual football game. They were all outfitted in traditional wannabe attire (aka huge-mungous jersies of professional football players), so I was hanging on their every word. And then the commercial went on...and on...and on. And it wasn't funny. And it started to make me feel sad. Then realization dawned. This was not a commercial. This was an actual show where we could watch other people play a video game. I am more than a little out of the loop, so the rest of you may have seen this show before. It's entitled "Madden Nation." Appropriate. So, we are not just an overwhelmingly lazy nation. We are now lazy on top of lazy. We don't even want to play the video games anymore. We are content to just watch a group of losers play them for us. This may pose a threat to our nation's gastrointestinal health. We want to have cake, eat it, but really wish someone else would just digest it for us. It might be too difficult from our recumbent positions on our comfy couches. As my son's pediatrician pointed out, it's difficult to poop while lying down.

The Comfort Index

I find meteorologists amusing. I am not poking fun at the profession itself. I have no idea what it takes to be a meteorologist, but I know I don't understand half of what they are talking about, so it must be some tough stuff. The thing that makes it all funny is how desperately each news station tries to make the weather report seem suspenseful and thrilling. It seems that the weather report makes or breaks which station each of us will choose. However, this must be a very difficult popularity contest. I would liken it to a chili cook-off. In the end, we are all getting chili, but there may be a few different ingredients sprinkled in each pot. Those ingredients will, of course, ultimately alter the entire chili experience. My favorite new "ingredient" included in one of our local news station's weather report is the "Comfort Index." This scale ranges from something like "Very Comfortable" to "Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth." They may use different terminology. At any rate, assuming the temperature, humidity, pollen count, mold spore count, rainfall predictions, and our approximate distance from any tropical disturbances is not enough to help us decide how comfortable we may be on a given day, this station is boldly stepping out and predicting it for us. It's a thesis statement for the entire weather portion of each evening's broadcast. Just like that, they managed to reduce their pot of chili to only beans. The irony to me is that this new predictor of my comfort level eliminates my need for any of the other jibber jabber about the high and low pressure systems, cold and warm fronts, or record lows and highs. Why do I really need to watch and try to comprehend all of the other factors involved in tomorrow's weather? All I'm really after is how comfortable I will be in the coming days and weeks. Careful, careful meteorologists. This new, watered-down approach to weather forecasting may leave the sports guy looking like the spiciest pot of chili. And that could cause meterologists everywhere to feel a little uncomfortable.

Toys for Tots. Really?

Yesterday, I was pulling out some of Seth's workbooks to do with him. I know...I just can't break free of the whole teacher thing. At any rate, at least he still enjoys learning. School hasn't ruined that for him yet, but that's another topic for another day. So, ANYWHO...he requested that we work in his sticker book, which I approved of since it's logical, educational, and entertaining thanks to bright colors and cartoon dogs and such. The premise of the book is that you master a concept by peeling off stickers from the middle pages of the book and placing them on pages where there are matching shapes, colors, numbers, or whatever the educational topic happens to be. These books are supposedly made for children (hence the bright colors and cartoon animals). At first glance, it seems genius for those of us looking for a way to keep our kids entertained in restaurants or in the car, which was the reason I bought the book in the first place. The books aren't messy, they have hundreds of stickers (seemingly minutes of entertainment), and they are quiet. On the contrary, these are actually just another example of a child's plaything that reads "ages three and up," but should instead read, "ages three and up when assisted by a child age twelve and up that can locate the stickers that correspond with the correct pages, successfully peel them off, and not be distracted by the fifty other stickers on the same page separated only by a thin line." Yes, once again, someone has created entertainment for a child that requires my help. If I wanted to participate in entertaining my child at the restaurant, I wouldn't have spent ten bucks on a sticker book. I would have, instead, taken a Sharpie marker, drawn two dots and a smile on my finger tips and performed a finger puppet show.

I realize that I run the risk of sounding like I don't want to spend time with my son. That is not the case at all. I believe very strongly in the value of quality, not quantity, time with my kids. I try to set time aside each day to play with them so that they will know that they were more important to me than a clean floor or a dust-free home. But let's be realistic. I buy toys and said sticker books, so that my kids will also know I value taking a shower each day. It is just as important for them to be capable of entertaining themselves for at least short periods of time. Knowing how to be peaceful and content while alone is an important life skill. My thoughts when I am buying toys orbit around that very idea, and I know I am not alone. This is the same philosophy from which stems the age-old phrase, "Find something to do." So, why is it that so many toys require so much help from an adult? Since Seth turned six months old, I found that many of his toys only succeeded in frustrating him if left on his own while playing. If you know Seth, you know that he has a low tolerance for frustration, but it's still a valid point. From ride-on dump trucks that require hand-eye coordination to lower the seat after dumping out blocks to Play-Doh "fun" factories that call for twenty pounds of force to turn clay into spaghetti, it seems that the box should read "mommy not included."

So, what does it take for a toy to be a truly great toy? Simplicity. The best toys are simple. Kids are often more entertained with the box than the toy, because there is so much possibility in that box. This is why blocks and dolls are timeless toys. It's fun when Mommy and Daddy play along, but it's not necessary. I'm still glad I bought the sticker books and the dump trucks and the Play-Doh, because there's a lot my boys will learn from playing with those things. In fact, yesterday, we learned a lot about shapes from playing with stickers. All I'm saying is, let's be realistic and quit labeling these toy packages and books "ages 3 and up." Let's make some more toys that don't require batteries and mommies to play along. I just want the chance to opt out and take a shower, cook a meal, or read my Bible once in a while, because the Lord knows better than I do that all of these toys that require my assistance are only increasing my need for Him. Maybe that's the point.